Hate you,hate me 1
by Beholder
Summary: Well I'm not good at summaries, so just read, harper gets kinda angry....
1. Chapter 1

"Hate you, hate me"

"I don't care about that, just fix this and then you can go back to whatever occupies your time, ok mister Harper? Now, Harper"  
-  
"Whatever did happen to mister??" Harper wondered, feeling his heart aching, hell, he's the one that was stuck on this stupid planet, in this stupid system, with this stupid people for three years, yet the good oll' capitain made it seem like he was caring all the pain...What the hell did he know about pain, he wasa stuck in a stupid black hole for 300 years, all it took to turn his enitre Universe into a garbage pile, into a playground for the nietzchiens, into a death camp for hm and his family...

"Beka wants to fit me with a self kicking but, how exacly did she forget that she and the "capitain" asked me to built the teleporter? Why am I still doing this?? Why do I let them get to me like this?? I call myself a genius on a daily basis, turns out I'm an idiot... I could just let them hadle it, handle the aproaching sun on their own, handling the circuit melt down and building Rommie back on their own...That's what I'll do, I lost way to many friends in this stupid quest to save a world that doesn't want to be saved"; Hohne, Brendan, Hohne again...hell even Sembler." Harper gaved a small laughter, "Sembler, you were my only friend here,a nd somehow I managed third hand to get you killed...I 'm so sorry!!"

Harper felt like enough was enough and without a word he left the machins shop were he'd been strugling to figure out a way of stoping Trance's sun from ultimately melting everyone down, if he was gonna die he wanted to do it on his own, not surrounded by people that in all their time toghether had shown him nothing more then contempt. He remembered when they saved his life, but also those words that felt wrong yet he couldn't figure out why, until now: "Well, mister Harper, if we lose you who will fix the ship?"

"And they always say that with a smile...How about me? Huh?? I 'm not that much of a narcisist not to need someone to help me feel good about myself, I freakin need a pat on the back every now and then, I mean Dylan is way to ego centric, but Beka? She is...was like my older sister, she always felt like family, but now all her words are so harsh, and they hurt. Hello I WAS STUCK HERE LONG BEFORE YOU!!! I TOUGHT YOU ALL DEAD!!!! And when you came back, you were all so burned out, so dry, no emotion...Oh wait HATE!!! That's an emotion, my bad! "

Tears were strugling their way towards freedom, but he wasn't ready to give up his mask, not yet.

"I'm strong too, maybe I'm afraid, but they just don't know...They all left, Beka left I stayed on Archology, yet I'M THE COWARD, well how about that Capitain God almighty, wasn't you who left through the Road of Ages? Leaving us all behind??? "

His entire head was screaming, all the pain, all the memories were trying to make themselves heard, trying to make them crazy. He remembered how his uncle once told him that there is nothing happier than a crazy man, they dream themselves full, they dream themselves free, they never hurt,because they don't live here, they have their own private Earth, where everything is beautiful, the sky is blue and you can see the stars...there are no nietzchiens."When you can't take it no more Seamus, go crazy, then everything will be so much better!"

"Famous last words, or wait those were, What could happen? or maybe How bad can it be?? I wanna slam my head against these walls, I wanna go crazy, I wanna live an eternal dream where I am happy, where my family is still alive, where I never heard of Seefra, of Beka or The Capitan!!!

Damn, I never tought my own mind can spit out words with so much disgust!! However that makes me happy!!! Wow, turns out my mind can also give out bitter laughter...I'm smarter than I tought, or just sadder than I tought, I guess it's the latter"  
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"Mister Harper!!!? Andromeda locate Harper", Dylan ordered using his most annoyed voice.

"Harper has left a half an hour ago, he left a private message for you." The implacable voice of the ship was heard.

"On screen!"

"Hey former Boss, emphasize former. This is officialy my resignation!" Harper was smiling, but his eyes were not. Saddnes seemed to fill them, however the engineer was looking more eager than ever to say good bye to his now ex-home.

"Well, I 'm not gonna say this was a good run, cause for me it wasn't!! To much death tends to spoil even life on the most beautiful ship in the whole known Universe, maybe I should correct that, considering She's the most beautifull thing in this system too, and this isn't quite the known Universe, now is it!?! Anyway back to my point I decided to die peacefully and blissfully on Seefra, if by any chance you manage to save the day again, well then I guess my life will be peacefull and blisfull, instead of my death.

Please don't say I don't have time for this!! Like you always do when you're annoyed at me or at anything, have that much consideration, for what may very well be a dying man in a dying system...I don't hate you anymore, for what happened on Earth, for Hohne, the magogs, and everything else, see I did for a long time...turns out I'm a better actor anyone has been giving me credit for...And looks like beka doesn't really knoe me all that well, neither does Doyle, I'm quite capable of hatered and I'm surprisingly goos at it. But anyway, like I said, this is Good bye. Please tell the others I said what I just did."

With that the message ended, leaving a very confused capitain staring at a blank screen.

"I don't have time f..." He stopped and somehow for the first time he realised just how he's been treating his engineer, his crew, how he snapped at Beka, how he mocked Rhade, how he mistreated Doyle, how...How self absorbed in his own little world of perfection he has been.

"Andromeda, send this message to The Maru, and tell Beka and Rhade I'm sorry for everything."

"Message send" -  
"I can believe he left, he left beacause of me too, he said that, he said what I never..."

"Matriarch, Beka, are you okay?" Rhade was getting worried, since she saw the message she went from, he will come back, he always does to "it's my fault, I treated him so badly." He agreed with Harper's gesture, he like the engineer, but he always tought of him as a weak pearson, never standing up to defend himself when Dylan and Beka made jokes, that they didn't realise were puting Harper down...He remember how after one of this "jokes" he went to see how Harper is doing and found him trashing the machine shop. He felt a little guilty for leaving without saying a word, but it ws the first time he realised that Harper, the one they all knew, was nothing more than a mask of the real Harper.

"Stop calling me that!!! Maybe that's why he left, because I am your "mother"!!!

"Beka, it's not like he relocated to the known Universe!" Now Rhade was getting mad "He's on Seefra 1, the one planet of the system that according to his calculations won't be engulfed in flames once Trances sun aproaches!! He's hurt and feels betrayed, he spend after all more time here than us, and we felt like crap untill we met again, it took a paradin killing Dylan to bring us back to our old selves, unfortunatelly that means that Harper also let you get to him like before...With your jokes, constant mocking, putting him down..."

"We don't do that!! I don't do that!"

"Yes, Matriarch." Rhade answered in a very mocking voice

"I do that??? Answer me Rhade!!"

"You ask him to do things, when they back fire you blame him alone, but you never help, not that I do, but then again I never claimed I'm better than you and Dylan. You always get into his skeems, but when they fail, you always make it seem he was alone in it, hell even I took a long time to help him rid of that drunk trying to steal his crio cooler, and I only did it for the bottle he almost broke."

"Maybe we need another paradin from the future to help get us on the right track..."

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OK, guys, hope you like it, I know it's been done before, but hey, I don't think this things should be forgotten.  
If you have any suggestions please review.  
See you when I have the next chapter ready :):) As you all know writing is very therapeutical, so even if you don't like it, I'll keep on doing it :) pretends not to care and gives a shy smile :) 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Okay, home sweet hole! But hey, at least here I'm on my own theritory, no big bad nietzchien, no fosilized capitan, no Beka, Trance or traitorous Doyle...I mean she was suppose to protect me...Then again I did make her blonde." Harper started laughing and he did so until he couldn't stand no more. He fell to the ground and spoke to the nothingness around him.

"Get it! She's a blonde! But then again, I made her so if she's flawed she my own mistake...Hell those I made a lot, what's one more?

Let's see...My biggest mistake? Hmmm, I wonder...Joining Beka? Nope, that was good...Joining THE MIGHTY CAPITAIN, now that qualifies as a big one, but it's not quite THE ONE. I know.."

The laughter was all gone now...

"I never told her I loved her, I felt it, I loved her, and I just couldn't tell her...Three little words that mean so much : I LOVE YOU! And I couldn't do it...And now she's there if "there" still exists with someone else... I wish I was braver, but then again since then I tell every women I meet I love her, I still hope I can redeem myself, forgive myself for not saying it when I should've...Little words still they are so hard to say, they're sticky, attached to your heart, attached to your whole body so hard they never wanna let go, and like an idiot I didn't let them out.

I could shout to the world now, but it's still to late...At least I'm free now, free from those to whom I shared my soul with and that haven't shared back, those that knew everything about the way I felt about them, that they were my family, and still didn't care...didn't care enough to pretend they care. "

Tears started to fall, to long held back, tears that burned holes in his heart, draining it a little more everytime he kept them a secret from those that were suppose to be his friends. He heard stories how the truth shall set you free, how crying makes things better, how time heals all wounds, and he had just one things to say to those that ever invented those sayings: IDIOTS!

Time didn't heal the death of his parents, he still heard their screams at night, it didn't heal the fact that Brendan was probably dead, that the one he loved would never know of his feelings. He could still feal the grip of the magogs when they invaded Andromeda, their claws closing in on his body, the feeling of those...things moving inside him, the fear when he saw Rev Bem, the death of Hohne that he had to live twice, but most of all those five words that made him wanna die right then, those five words that made him wake up screaming ever since he got on Seefra : YOU ARE THE LAST ONE!

"But I wasn't the only one, and I wanted to jump and hug Rhade, Dylan and Beka...I was just so scared...scared it's again one of the dreams I had for three years, if I touched them they would turn into a million little pieces, and I would never get a chance to tell them I loved them, I missed them...Then the mask just fitted so well I felt scared to take it off...Damn, fear seems to be the motif of everything that I do, maybe I'm a coward...Then again, I never claimed I'm so braveheart, genius extraordinaire, yes, but braveheart...never."

For hours Harper stared at the empty wall in his room, not even bothering to check the bar, let them fight over a bottle if they want to, who the hell cares? He was alone again, in a big, bad world, the tought made him chuckle, hell it wasn't like it was the first time, he was alone all his life, that was probably why he was slightly socially retarded...The tough of that brought a bitter smile on his face, and with that final self explanatory monologue he fell asleep, for the first time in years no nightmare plagued what was designed to be a blissful experience.

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"Dylan we have to talk!" Beka was looking like she was gonna cry, she always took Harper for granted, she knew that no matter what he would always be there, ready to take another punch and to bounce back, but now...It didn't feel right, well at least as it was before.

"I know, look about this thing with Harper, he'll come back, he always does!"

"Don't be so sure Dylan!" Rhade interveend, and told him what he saw after one of their teasing sesions when Harper trashed his engineer room. "Maybe we pushed him over the edge, it's not like he was whole to begin with"

"Rhade is right Dylan, I made jokes with Harper, and we both laughed, but you and Beka, always laugh at him, not with him...He has so much sadness in his soul...When I first met him..it...made me scream...So much pain... I feel all of your pain: Dylan for losing your entire world, twice now, Rhade for his family, Beka...for well a lot of things, but you all have someone to support you, Harper..."

"Harper has us!" Beka screamed "He knows that!"

"Only he doesn't" Trance replied, "He doesn't know Beka, he fears you will all abandon him, he never felt like the Maru was his home, not really, a home yes, a roof and a floor but not a safe place, a place from which he woudn't be chased away...It's the same thing with Andromeda. He didn't built Rommie to fulfill some strange fantasy...He did it to have a connection to the ship, to have...claims, so to speak, to ensure his place here. You still don't get it? Rommie is gone, Doyle is always here, and he feels she's slowly drifting away from him...Like all of us have...He feels alone"

Everyone in the room was stunned, but slowly they were starting to get a glimpse into the real Universe of Seamus Zelazny Harper...The real Harper, not the cocky engineer, but the broken one, the one they always ignored, to wrapped in their own personal problems.  
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Hope you enjoyed it. I would like to apologize to every fanfic writer whose ideas I might of involuntary borrowed, if you recognize your ideas, sorry, it's not intentional, if it doesn't happen, so much better for me :):) If by any chance you like my fic, please leave a review :) Give me hope :) 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"There are nine million bicycles in Beijing,  
That's a fact, it's a thing we can't deny like the fact that I will love you till I die" Katie Melua-Nine million Bicycles.

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"Please, Seamus Zelazny Harper, tell me!!!!"

"I can't I'm sorry, I just can't that part of my speech, where the brain connects the words is missing!"

"Don't joke!!" She was angry now, and getting angrier by the minute."You said if I manage to find an old song, older than both of us togheter you will say the words, I found the song, my grandma said it's older than time itself, I even sang it to you: I love you, just say the words!!!! You promised!!!"

"I'm sorry! I can't, but you know that I..."The sentence stopped, too soon...

"The thing is I DON'T KNOW!! For all I know the missing words in your sentence may very well be ,,I want an omlet, or I wanna marry a magog!!''

"Yeah, right!!! You know what?!" It was his turn to get mad, all this was a big joke, a big nothing, you just made things up in your head, and sorry, I don't wanna follow suit no more, I don't care about you, goodbye!!! I'm sure you can find the door!!!"

Nothing followed his words, for long uncomfortable minutes, finally she got up and left with just a whisper of a phrase:

"I loved you, fool"  
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"Don't go!!!!" Harper woke up screaming to the air around him. "Don't go, please!!" After a few breaths he finally relised where he was and he slapped himself over his face:'' And you couldn't say this all those years ago...because...Oh, yeah because for being a genius you're and always will be an IDIOT!!! Hell might even build yourself another robotic lady to prove yourself just how easy someone can let you down yet again...You brake a heart, you pay the price"  
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"Harper are you here?"

"Doyle? why are you whispering?" Beka was looking at Doyle as if a giant fly just sat on her nose.

"What if he's sleeping?"

"Doyle it hasn't been morning since 6 hours ago, so since Harper never sleeps in the afternoon, I'm pretty sure we're safe speaking out loud!" She was starting to get amused, and the slightly hurt look on the androids face only amplified the feeling.

"OK, Harper, we're coming in!!"

"Oh, my God, Harper!!!"

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"So Trance, you really thing that we treated mister Harper in a bad way??"

"Bad way?" Trance looked at Dylan trying to understand if he was kidding, or he just had a "bad" choice of words going on today. "I wouldn't say bad, maybe sad, see Dylan, Harper...he's special...in more than one way, all of us have something, like you, you have something than he willnever posses."

"What's that? He lives here, he's 10 times smarter than me, and I'm sure this isn't about my luck with the ladies."

"Dylan...you don't see it? You have seen the Earth when it was beautiful, when people from Boston weren't at the mercy of the nietzscheans. You have seen what the Earth has become, but you only saw a glimpse of a whole Universe that's been going from bad to worse since the fall of the Commonwealth, and I talking a fragment of a glimpse here. When Harper and I were still on the Maru, he got drunk one day and started telling me about this man that was crucified, and about his cousins that died at the hands of the magogs, and it...it hurt so much, and I was blocking part of his pain, it was so much I couldn't take it Dylan, and I can take the Abyss head on...maybe because the Abyss is evil..."

"Trance I didn't know...He never told anyone that he didn't feel at ease with us, that he was hurting, I mean Beka..."

"Dylan!! Since I got you here, well since I got you all back togheter, I kept watching all of you, you haven't changed, you were not given the time, Beka was not completely lost, Rhade neither, but when we found Harper...It was like he went back in time 5 years, and he was again the street smart earther that does nothing that doesn't benefit him. He is so lost in this world...the crew, your crew...we found each other for a reason, we need each other, and he needs us more than ever..."

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"Beka, what's wrong?" Rhade was trying to understand what she was telling him

"Harper...he's...tell Trance to hurry down here...Rhade, he's gone..."

"Gone?!!! Beka, what..."Rhade, decided he's gonna ask the questions later, now he had to get Trance to get down to Seefra, by the sound of Beka's voice, it can't be something good.  
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kinda of a bad ending, i know, i watched lost way to much :) anyway if you read enjoy, if you don't, well hell no point in leaving a message then :) 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Sorry, it took a while, college eats my time with really boring stuff. :P Anyway, benesound, hope you won't be dissapointed :) But if you are, let me know )  
Since I'm a big fan of survivors guilt, I decided to play that card a little, Well will see where it takes me. Hopefully to a place you'll enjoy.

Plus, I kinda forgot what I wrote till now :P

-  
"Beka, what's wrong?" Rhade was trying to understand what she was telling him

"Harper...he's...tell Trance to hurry down here...Rhade, he's gone..."

"Gone?!!! Beka, what..."Rhade, decided he's gonna ask the questions later, now he had to get Trance to get down to Seefra, by the sound of Beka's voice, it can't be something good.  
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"Beka!!! Beka!!!! Where are you? Where's Harper???" Trance was now in Harper's "shop", so to say, not much of a shop on a planet that rejected everything that wasn't coming from a bottle.

"He's gone!!!"

"Oh, my God, he's, is he...dead??" Trance's eyes were filling up with tears.

"Dead?! Trance, no, he's gone..."Beka began to realise that she must of sounded like a crazy woman asking Rhade to send Trance urgently to Seefra.

"What?? Beka!!" The purple/golden alien was now angry, and she gave her former capitain an incredulous look. "Are you nuts??? How can you say that he's gone in a tragic voice worrying everybody, only to tell me, oh well he's just left his shop!!!!" She was screaming now, all her worry and pain finally released.

"Trance...I...I'm sorry, I just, he's not here, not on Seefra, I just remembered how he was the last time I saw him and, I just...I was afraid he did something, like the other time..."

"When he tried to kill himself?" Trance finished her sentence. "I remember how I felt, his pain, his pleading to just let him die...But I don't think he'll do that again, I mean...he promised, he promised he'll never try to take his own life..."

"Yeah, but we also made a promise that we didn't keep...That I didn't keep, I promised him I would never fail him, and now even Rhade who treats Harper like something he just stepped in tells me that I treat hime badly. We have to find him, it took Dylan's death to bring us back togheter as friends, as a crew, but Harper won't come back to life like Dylan did...he'll just be dead, lying there..."

Horryfic images were going through her mind, when Trance put her arms around her in a comforting hug, and Beka finally allowed herself to cry.

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Doyle who for the past 30 minutes just sat there was still trying to understand how come Harper left without her, she was suppose to protect him, and he was her creator, now what she called home before finding Androemda was just an empty space with no trace of her previous owner.

"Is it my fault?"

The two women looked at Doyle, not understanding what she meant. When it finally clicked Trance was the one to answer the android.

"No Doyle, it's all our fault."

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"Okay, this looks like a pretty nice place to wait for the impending sun to destroy all life and civilisation as the Seefra system knew it.

Hmm, it's gonna be pretty boring here, but hey life goes on, for a short while, considering I'm residing on Seefra 9 right now, but at least I'll get a chance to work on my tan." He started laughing at his own joke, but he stopped suddently as he remembered an old promise, never to jeopardise his life again if he could help it, he laughed again, Trance was always weird even when she was inventing oaths...But he promised, however, since she was no longer the purple Trance he promised, and since Beka was no longer Beka, capitain extraordinaire of Maru, but the almighty mother of nietzchians he felt released of his promise.

"The hell with all of them, I tought they were all dead when Metheus ignited all of a sudden and, guess what, the first thing they said was, mister Harper we need to talk!. If I 'd ever gone to school, I bet that's how the teacher wouldn've sounded...But schools were closed by the time I got around, maybe that's what Dylan is trying to do, provide me with a life I never had."

He began laughing againg, but it was soon choked with tears...

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I 'm sorry, I should never have left, I shouldn't have lived, I don't deserve it, I should've died...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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"So, where do you think mister Harper is right now?"Dylan ws fighting to be formal, but he ws worried about his lost engineer just as much as the others, maybe with the exception of Rhade, but judging by the grim look on his face he wasn't taking this very well either.

Trance was about to say something when she suddenly fell to her knees, tears floding her eyes.

"Harper...I sense him...God...it's to much..."

"Trance, what? Where??" Dylan was shocked by the expresion of pain on the golden alien's face, he knew Harpe was on board, and that he wsan't on Seefra 1, which meant that he was on one of the other eight planets, but how could she feel him?? The links to them were cut off beacause of her sun.

"My sun gives me strenght, Dylan, that's why I feel him, I wish I didn't right now...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I 'm sorry, I should never have left, I shouldn't have lived, I don't deserve it, I should've died...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Trance, sorry for what? It's okay...it's okay", Dylan tried to comfort her, but she kept crying and screaming at the same time.

"Not me, it's Harper, this is what I meant when I told you I couldn't take his pain, it's so much...please make it stop, make it stop!!!!"

"Where is he, please you have to tell us. Trance?!"

"She passed out capitain." As usual Rommie was the only one to keep her calm in a stressful situation. "I tried to pin point Harper's position, but I had no succes, I did however discover that before he dissapeared he visited out underground friend."

"Orlund? Maybe he asked him to take him to one of the planets, which means he knows where Harper left!!" He wsa getting really excited now, this could be their shot to redeem themselves, but what he just saw, made him worry wheter they might be to late. He silently watched as Rhade took Trance to the infermary, as he asked Rommie to prepare a slipfighter.

He asked in the future help from a fellow paradin to rediscover the crew he needed, now it wsa time for him to become the capitain they needed, the capitain that Harper needed. 


	5. Chapter 5

"Do you think that Trance is right?"Dylan asked

"About?"

"Come on, Beka...She said she can take the Abyss full on, and i'm quoting here, and she passes out because Harper is sad?"

"Dylan....stop! I mean it, stop....i didn't get it before either, i merely thought that everything will be fine, that he will always think of me as his...I don't know older sister...That he will never leave because he couldn't cope with life without me, without us....But I know he can, because he did it before...Dylan, you can't just pretend that everything is alright...I have seen Earth, and i have seen Harper have some horrific nightmares, I heard him scream and plea for help, for someone to end it...Trance was always closest to him. She says she can feel him, then she can...It won't make you feel less quilty over this if you pretend that he's pain is less than what you heard Trance say it will be...that she said it is..."

"I'm sorry, I...I just don't know anymore, I am the captain...and I have failed, I try, I really do, but he always seems so"...he was strugling to find the right words, Beka decided that maybe her input was needed.

"Cocky, happy?"

"Well...yeah, and he's a survivor Beka, I guess I took that for granted as well."

"If you have just about finished guilt tripping I think perhaps a visit to Orlund is in order? We were heading that way...were't we? And I am pretty certain impending doom is supposed to put a spring in our step."

"Rhade..."Dylan was about to start one of his long winding speeches about the value of friendship, with a slight comment on the chain of command, but then it hit him, there was nothing to be said, he failed as a leader, he failed as a captain and mostly as a friend. He landed in a different universe no more different than he was in his own twisted one. But for the others, Seefra was life times away from what they knew, it was like being back with friends, but friends you haven't seen since you were to young to remember what your friendship was based on.

Those memories were still fresh in his mind, but Seefra could drive anyone mad in a day, what would five years do to someone already damaged?

And it hit him, for the first time he accepted that Harper was damaged, and it hurt him to think that much of his engineers distress was of his own making. He remembered the jokes, the barking orders, the fleeting emotions on his engineers face, emotions so quicly swirling out of sight he had no idea what they meant. He prefered to think Harper was just to cocky to take criticism, pretty good excuse to just yell a little louder.

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Trance had finally came to on board of the Andromeda. The screaming in her head was now but a soft whimper, but she still had to fight back tears, she could still hear her friend saying over and over again he was sorry, so much pain in those words, in his heart and mind...He was sorry for being alive, he was sorry for thinking of how he failed someone...someone he loved.

"Trance, Trance, are you alright?"Doyle had been ordered to stay back and look after the no longer purple alien.

"I'm fine, I'm fine...I AM FINE!! But he's not fine, he hasn't been in a long time, maybe he was born like this...always sad, always hurt by the world, by death, even by love...That's what I hear, feel when i try to connect with him, he failed to say I love you, and now he says it to much, but he never means it, he loved like I could never love anything other than my own sun, Rhade had a family, a wife, when he thinks of them...it's the same as Harper feels. Harper", and she gave a sad chucle.

"Trance?"

"We call him Harper, we always call him Harper, Seamus is more of an insult, or maybe a way of scolding him, like he is a child...We don't call Beka: HEY, VALENTINE, or HEY HUNT, but it's always Harper this, Harper that...I guess I never thought about this before, and I actually dared to tell the others how bad they treat him. He's been gone for such a short while and I just can't bear it...I'm afraid Doyle...I can face demons of whatever hell imaginable, but I can't think of a world without any of my friends, a world with no Harper to be there and give me a hug, or a pat on the back, or asking for tips for the next card game"

Doyle just looked at Trance like she had for the first time met her, like the world suddently shifted from it's axis and nothing was as she thought.  
Harper, always leering, making weird comments, but also so protective of her, her Harper could be gone forever, she had failed to protect him. And most of all she had failed to know him...

What was wrong with her?

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It's been 2 years...almost 3 since i last touched this, I could hardly remember it, but i decided what the hell, let's put my wee brain do some work,  
if anyone reads this please review:P i shall even update :) 


	6. Chapter 6

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PREWell...some more...i really wish i could keep track of my mind...

Harper just sat there....looking around and waiting for death to come.  
"Can you just stay and wait to die?" he wondered slightly bitterly..."I mean I always tought i won't get that courtesy from the fates....Then again I always declared my lack of faith in fates..."He started laughing madly, "faith in fates...i should probably add no pun intended....I mean it's not like i was sitting here contemplating puns when all I want is to die...But...I don't want to die, not really. I never wanted to die...I still remmeber wanting to live forever, wanted to have a change to see the Nietzscheans empire wither and die, after all according to the older ones in the camp all empires eventually fall."

Another sad laugh escaped his lips...

"Older ones...I am 30 now, and I have already surpassed most expectations of life back on Earth. No one gets to be over 30 there, what wisdom can you impart if you haven't even had the chance to live your life to the fullest? Then again, since there is no point of reference how do you know what you have missed?! And in come Dylan...full of ideals and memories about a time I can only dream about...A time where there was peace and kids had grandparents...Live ones, not lessons...YOU'RE GRANDFATHER WAS AN IDIOT AND HIS BIG MOUTH GOT HIM KILLED!! NOW DON'T YOU DARE BAD MOUTH THE NIETZSCHEANS AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME SEAMUS ZELAZNY HARPER!!" He still remembered his mother's screams....He dcided to get smart with a nietzschean earlier that day. He got a beating that he still remembered, mostly thanks to the scars he still bore on his back, but he became the hero of the hour, even in her eyes...her beautiful hazel eyes...She slapped him when he was finally able to stand again, and then gave him a kiss on the cheek that left them both feeling more than a little strange, he was certain that he liked her ever more since that day.

He was almost willing to look up another nietzschean and challange him again for that moment to repeat itself. And yet he failed to do the simple thing...three little words....and now he was at the other side of the universe acting like a mopey teenager, caught up in his own drama so much so...that death seemed to be a viable alternative.

As Harper sat there he began to wonder wheter he made a mistake...Yet another one in a long line...

"Oh stop it already!! Feeling sorry never made me feel better...it made me feel sorry for myself...But i can't anymore!! Then again I can! What the hell is wrong with me, now all i need is a huge rabitt to rant too...I wish my mind would stop derailing every other minute!!!! I wish I could scream loud enough to cover my own mind ranting...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????"

Tears were slowly sliding down his cheeks as he contemplated possible insanity, well Beka would argue that he was never sane to begin with, Dylan would agree in his oh, I am so cool manner, maybe get his hair to do that flippy thing....Rhade would just laugh and Trance...Well she hasn't been the Trance he loved since she matured, now it was just a knife being twisted in the wound since she was so much so like the little purple alien that always was there to help him out, and yet something was off.

"I wish I knew what to do, I wish I wasn't so lonely, so much the mad scientist that i forgot what i was, I remember being happy, actually being happy...kid in the candystore for the first time. When i set foot on Andromeda I was in heaven...to bad Heaven and Hell only have a thin red line dividing them...Purgatory is over rated anyways...

Ok, enough of this!!! Maybe I am going crazy, maybe I always was, but I am sick of everything...Though I have to give myself credit for that nice goodbye letter I left dear old captain. Knowing him it will haunt him for years, I swear that guy can't live without self inflicted angst, he thrives on it, perhaps that is why he decided to rebuilt the commonwealth. What does that say about me? I volunteered to go on this trip...for beka, for trance...and for Andromeda...And here I am today, his bad habits must have rubbed on me, I used to be a survivor."

He was now thinking back on a promise he made a long time ago...not to harm himself again, they would have his back, they will protect him, all he had to do was live...but they forgot that, on their little power trips...He could forget his onw promise, after all the sun was bound to strike anyways, it wasn't like he decided to call upon a giant sun just to end his pathetic life...So technically it wasn't him harming himself, it was a Giant Sun.

Maybe he would have had kids now...a hazel eyed little girl, or a blue eyed baby boy...they wouldn't be so little anymore though, but if he would have stayed, married...made a family...She is dead anyways, does it matter anymore? He will soon join her...If there is something beyond this life, but what God allows everything that went down for the past centuries and before to happen?? He still had memories from when the library was inside his mind, the cruelty remained...Humanity was definetly overrated...

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sorry if i went a bit crazy, it's usually how my mind works, so I just applied it to poor Harper, if it gets to narmy feel free not to read :P/PRE /BODY /HTML 


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